Uphill Process

Hello everybody! I have finally brought this back online! Old posts were started but never completed. I will be working on getting those posts brought online. At the same time, I will be creating new posts, so things will be a bit out of order. You will have to scroll down to see old posts that did not get published until recently. I will update this Sticky Post as things change.

I recently added an aerial video to my YouTube channel of Kakay's Cafe Extension in Tbolok. Check it out!
The Tboli Project

So here I sit, in my rented house in Tboli Knoon. I'm finally Home!

A lot has been going on, yet there I was, not posting anything here for the longest time. Here's a quick summary: I arrived in Cebu on May 16. I had been on medication for ADHD and depression. I packed that medication away, so I have not been taking it. The worst moment of the worst day since I've been here was better than most of the time in recent history when I was in the US. I arrived in Mindanao on June 4. I rented an apartment in Marbel on July 4. I moved out and found my way to Tboli on January 4. It's interesting that things kept happening on the 4th.

Anyway, I'm here now, and I'm happy! I'm going to make it a point to share more things soon.

I am seeing where the more I focus on my dream, making it reality, I notice small connections that have happened throughout my life that had no “connection” previously, or perhaps my frame of mind was not accepting what was obvious to my heart? Or maybe it is more my propensity to overthink, analyze and not allow guidance or intuition to come through naturally? Probably the latter. It has been a life long habit, after all!

Tuesday, I was in a bit of a slump. So I did what I want to be doing every day; I prayed for guidance. Wednesday, my brother talked about his previous trip to visit an older brother. He was there for a while, just being. One day, he had an experience that was a big step for him. He knew it was time to move on. He later realized he was there for 40 days. This got me to thinking. It's a common Biblical theme for something to happen for 40 days. All too often, people make minor changes for 40 days, but don't do anything significant enough to be of consequence. I have to make it significant if I'm going to do it! In my need to plan, once I relocate to South Cotabato and have had some time to get myself adjusted, am thinking I will go to El Kuda for 40 days. In the mornings, I will wake up and wander around in the mountains. I will come back for food and to hang out with family, then head back. I fantasize about sitting on the mountain, watching activities of the village and listening to people and animals carrying on about their day. Other times, I would like to wander away a mile or more. I will decide when I am there, in The Moment and try to catch my analytical mind when it attempts to take over.

I remember at the age of 5 or 6, playing certain notes on the family piano. I wasn’t interested in learning how to play, really, just played certain notes. I had no idea why, yet, when I was feeling very happy, I would stop and play those notes. Fast forward to the night of my Calling, December 12, 2018, 45 years after playing on the piano. I was watching the video that triggered my Calling to the Tboli tribe. I was taken aback, in shock as my heart opened and the connection was made between my inner child who played notes on a piano to the instrument being played in front of me, across the world, through social media. The notes were identical.

Another memory was brought into play of myself as a child, hearing “Dreamweaver” by Gary Wright. As I listened to the song, my mind would show me pictures of someone sitting down, weaving fabric. When the line, "Welcome to the Land of the Dreamweavers" was said, I felt a strong emotional tug. Moments later, seeing the T’boli Dreamweavers, I recognized what I had always imagined when I heard that song.

My heart sang to see these connections!

Thursday, at lunchtime, someone posted the question on facebook, "If your life was made into a movie, what song would be playing at the beginning?" My first thought was "A Time For Fear" by the Art of Noise. This song fits because there is a lot of chaos, followed by a bit of peacefulness, then more chaos, then peacefulness for the rest of the song. Why did I pick that song? In 1986, after I finished Navy boot camp, I went on to school to learn my job. I had 2 room mates and one of them had this tape, "Who's Afraid (of The Art of Noise)?" He played it once, and I liked it so started playing it all the time. The first song, “A Time For Fear”, seemed to resonate with my feelings at the time. My life had been a lot of chaos and noise up until that point. I found that when I went out and walked around, I felt real peace, perhaps for the first time in my life. That song became the symbol that connected with this feeling of peace.

Heading back to work, listening to “A Time for Fear”, I found that moment of peace and El Kuda came to mind. When I went to El Kuda for the first time April 02, 2019, I found myself at peace! This was the same peace I found during The Great Clarification. I realized the imagery in my mind from the song aligned with the imagery I recorded while flying my drone in El Kuda! The pieces connected and snapped together as a puzzle which brought forth an “OH F**K! Another connection!” exclamation.

Any time I am having trouble, all I have to do is start asking for guidance. I get reminded, somehow, that I am on the right path. El Kuda, I am coming Home!

As I am thinking about the whole concept of having a connection, I contemplate the idea behind having a connection. Am I connected to a particular person, or people, a family, a tribe, or a place?

The things that have been happening these past few years are nothing special. I mean, South Cotabato, the family I spent so much time with, and the Tboli tribe, all are not extraordinary. To the average observer, they are certainly interesting, but not extraordinary.

There's that African tribe that has the dancers who bounce their feet while impossibly not moving their bodies. The strength and skill to do such a thing is incredible! There's the tribe in Thailand that handles cobras. They get tattoos that have cobra venom in them that eventually makes them immune to the cobra's bite. They can interact with these beautiful and dangerous creatures without fear. There is a tribe in New Guinea where they harvest their own hair to make hats and to trade. There's a tribe on an isolated island that attacks, with intent to kill, anybody who comes near. They are the ultimate xenophobes!

I contemplate these thoughts, and I realize one thing that I am absolutely sure of! These are NOT my words! That is what I think other people might say. Other people might think these people have nothing extraordinary about them. Whatever brought me to them, it is not because they have the fastest feet, or the coolest tattoos. These things are superficial. It's the connection. Nothing more. Nothing less. For me, this makes them the most amazing people, living in the most amazing place! The Tboli tribe and their land have Ancient Magic!

This started as a message to my sister, when I realized when the moment was that I first really felt this connection! I thought it was when I sat in a hotel in Valdez, Alaska, one December evening in 2018. Now I know better. It was in March that year that I was planning my first vacation in the Philippines. There was one little detail. I had this feeling I wanted to go to Davao, but I did not really have time in my plans to go there. Mindanao had a reputation for being a rather dangerous place, too, so I was hesitant

I was talking with a friend of mine online about life's challenges. This person offered to pray that I find happiness and things like that. I had this thought. I said, "Can you pray for guidance for me?" I got my guidance, and decided I am going to Davao, in Mindanao. I made the plans and booked the flight. Later that night, as I took a moment to relax, I played "Some Nights" by Fun. I felt a surge of emotion, that felt like I had done The Right Thing! The music and the feeling came together, and brought me to happy tears! This was a new thing for me! Two and a half years ago, I first began to open up to this connection!

At first, that connection was with one person. See The Great Clarification for details. Later, I was connected to a group of people. I connected to individuals, and a whole family, and things kept happening as I allows this connection to flow! Trying to hold on to an individual connection only created pain. Instead of allowing all connections to work together in harmony, since we are all connected, I tried to control one particular connection. All this did was threaten the single most important connection, and that is the connection I have with myself.

When I really try to look back at when this big connection first started, I see events that happened before I was 10 years old, and realize this connection has always existed. I simply had to see it and allow it to Be. When I tried to meddle, I broke things. When I let it be, things came together.

2.44 miles in under 20 minutes! I used to be able to run that fast.

After vegetating on the couch for entirely too long, I felt the urge to go for a bike ride to get my blood flowing. Life was good on this beautiful day in Alaska! Once I got out on the road, it only took me about 30 seconds to remember that I have seriously neglected my fitness. Pedaling up an almost level road took work! Holy crap! I was just past a mile away when I decided 2 miles would be good for today. I turned around and headed back, thinking to myself that I would take the long way back.

As I pedaled, I felt that familiar tiredness of someone who was too accustomed to sitting around collecting dust. I thought to myself, "I'm going to take the shorter route." This started an old response that I forgot about years ago! I told myself, "This is easy!" Going the longer way was not difficult at all! It was simply more work. I said it again. "This is easy!" I refused to take the shorter route!

All I have to do to accomplish anything in life is to keep going until I get there. Essentially, everything is easy! I used to run five miles a day, three times a week. The only thing that has changed is that I stopped doing it. For me, everything is easy! To much of my life has been, "I know how to do that. It's easy. I am not interested any more." Well that does not work when I am gaining weight and losing muscles! It doesn't work anywhere else, either. It is Time! Time to go do the easy stuff!

The only thing that is not easy is facing myself! Ah, but that's a subject for a different post!

This is a story I also told in church in El Kuda on April 6, 2019, while visiting the place I now call HOME.

In my early 20’s, stationed in Subic Bay, Philippines, I met a woman, Filipina, with whom a one night stand turned into many years of horrid marriage. She informed me, consistently, that I was not the man she loved and she only married me because she got pregnant, that I had taken advantage of her because she was drunk, though she wasn’t, which resulted her in marrying me. 20 years later, "I still hate you for what you did to me that night we met." My sister says she did it to come to the U.S. Whether I agree with my sister or not, is not the point.

As abusers often do, this woman made my life a living hell until we moved away from my family. Then it was hell, yet I got through it. We had 2 beautiful daughters, one of which now blames me for everything wrong in her life, and I have come to realize, that is fine. It IS okay, and I Love them both, regardless.

Some years before I woke up and realized I had to get OUT of this marriage, out of this mental and emotional abuse, I found myself ordering some plants online to spruce up the yard of the house we bought in Delaware. Though it was as far from my family as we could be, I would attempt to bring some semblance of life and joy into my reality. In the spring of 2002, I ordered some dormant red maple trees, two of them. Upon receiving them, I noticed one had almost no roots, the other was rootfull. I checked out the instructions which informed me it would take up to 3 weeks for growth to begin. Mind you, because they are dormant, they look like dead sticks planted in the ground.

I watered them regularly, a little bit of excitement with each time. Three weeks passed, then six, as the dead sticks did nothing but sit there, taking up the water. At one point, during a maintenance mowing session, the poor things being unmarked, were mowed down. “Wince”. One of them came out of the ground completely, roots and all, while the other stayed in the form of a two inch dead looking stick. I did continue watering it on occasion, yet had no real expectations.

Fall came, as it usually does, around the same time as years previous. On one occasion, I wandered around the yard, remembering the “dead stick” that had been mowed so many months previous, with the water hose. As I stepped up to it, pointing the hose unto the ground of which it was hibernating, or doing whatever it does, I was aghast in surprise and wonder! Here it was, an abused plant, ignored mostly, forgotten about except on few occasions, with a tiny, green sprouted thing growing from it! I kneeled onto the ground, pushing the hose away in excitement and anticipation, to get a closer look. YES! There was growth! I was filled with awe as this assumed dead thing showed signs of life! I stood, in my childlike abandon and in my best Dr. Frankenstein impression (which was not very good at all), yelled “It’s alive! It’s alive!” My heart soared within the life force, all my efforts, my few moments of giving this thought to be dead plant life, love and water, had come to fruition!

With this new life that I had somehow nurtured along, I kept closer track of it. Continuing excitement, this was my baby I had planted and somehow nurtured enough, I watched as it grew to be a few inches tall by winter.

On July 11, 2020, I was fortunate to revisit my old maple tree that I had planted years ago. Upon sight of it’s beauty and size, it was revealed to me that sometimes, something I thought was dead only needed time to grow it’s roots, get a good stronghold, then the form can manifest. Without good roots, it only takes one lawnmower to pull it out of the ground.

When I woke up, I realized that the drum beat and sound of music had remained constant throughout the night, only to give way to the sound of somebody talking over a loudspeaker, and other, quieter music, complete with an entirely different drum beat. This was the sound of old music. I worked my way out of bed, looking forward to a good morning shower. In the Philippines, many rooms do not have warm water for the shower, while other rooms don't even have a shower. Often all that is available is a large bucket with a smaller scoop, called a tabo. The room I had chosen had warm shower, at least for a little while. As I showered, the water temperature dropped quickly to the point that I stepped out of the water just in time for it to swing back to scalding hot so decided it was agood time to end my shower.

As with any vacation, I took my time getting dressed, checking Facebook, messages, etc., and lost track of time. Then I remembered, "OH CRAP! I'm going to church this morning! I'm going to be late! No time for breakfast!" As if to reply, I heard in my mind, "Where are you?" Seems for a moment, I forgot where I was, then remembered I'm in the Philippines. Church rarely starts on time, and stragglers show up at various times throughout services, so my original panic at not being on time left, allowing myself to relax and focus on getting ready for church. As I headed out, the sight I beheld almost overwhelmed me with emotion. I saw children from the various barangay middle schools dressed in traditional T'boli garb, doing traditional street dances. It was at that moment I realized I would be very late for church as I settled myself in to watch. All my senses were being lavished by more beauty than I can remember at any point in my life. The sights of the brightly colored garb, the movements in unison, of the children doing their dances, the music, the drums, all of it overtook me and I was in each moment as it came, relishing in it, knowing this was Home.



Ayengg, a friend I met there in T'boli as mentioned in a previous post, worked at the hotel where I was staying. She and a co-worker came out to the streets, also dressed in traditional T'boli garb. Other people who worked there were dressed up as well. Something that caught my attention about these outfits is that they had so many tiny brass hand-made bells. The size of the bells, and the brass from which they were made, created a soft, gentle ringing sound as the ladies walked by, making my current mood that much better.

As the street dancers progressed down the road and the whole show slowly quieted, I headed to church. I arrived, quite late by American standards, and rather early by Filipino standards. There were only a few people there which provided me time to relax and soak up the warm, welcoming atmosphere, letting this new and amazing feeling flow through me.

Perhaps an hour or so after arriving, church services started. The pastor saw me, and talked about wanting to speak in English to accommodate this unexpected guest (me). He asked me to come up to and introduce myself, as it was very unusual for a foreigner to show up in this church, so far from a big city, with no wife or girlfriend. We discussed my callinig and the T’boli tribe, and he invited me to come to the mountains with him someday. He informed me that he needed to know ahead of time as he wished to inform the people in the villages we would be visiting, and to plan for at least 2 days for the trip. Because of plans I already had, I would not be able to go with him on this trip. At the moment, the idea felt good, but the time did not feel right. It seemed like I have other things I must experience first.

After church, I meandered around on foot and found myself back at Kakay's Coffee Shop, enjoying the atmosphere of the last night of the Ses'long festival. I waited for Ayengg to finish with work, then we took a walk. At some point, someone stopped to say hi and ask me how I was doing. We talked just for a moment. Instead of simply walking away or saying, "bye," and walking away, he politely said he would be going in a way that seemed almost like he was asking permission. Ayengg explained to me that this is how Tboli are. They are very kind and polite.

At the end of the festival, they put on an amazingly energetic fireworks show that would rival anything seen in the U.S. It was a good ending to an amazing day.

I was accustomed to the distance from Ayala Mall to the airport. I was not staying near Ayala Mall this time! It turns out where I was staying was much further away! I offered an excessive tip if the taxi driver got me there in a hurry. This resulted in absolutely no hurrying whatsoever. At least he didn't slow down.

At the airport, I jumped out, grabbed my stuff, threw money at him and ran! I had to slow down for security twice, because that's how they roll in the Philippines! I went to my gate, saw the airplane, and realized I just might be able to get on. The lady there tried to call, but something was wrong, so she rushed 3 gates down and asked someone there to call on the radio. The radio wasn't working, so someone else came back to that gate, and attempted to call. Meanwhile, the door closed. Yes, my luck had run out.

Meanwhile, Ayengg, a T'boli lady who works at the hotel where I would be staying, was going to General Santos City to get me so I would not get lost. I contacted her and told her of my plight. She then told me of her plight. She did not have enough money to get back home! Now I had 2 challenges! Find the next available flight and get money to her so she can go home. I had no way to transfer money online, either!

I got a flight reserved that was taking off in about 2 hours. That gave me an hour and change to go back into town somewhere, wire her some travel money, then get back to the airport.

Now this is where I talk about how 5 minutes affected an entire day. I was going to be in T'boli around 3 or so. There were no more flights available to General Santos that day. There was a flight to Davao, which was much further away from T'boli, but was still on the same island. I booked that flight, but would not have confirmation for an hour or two through email. I decided that was good enough. I caught a taxi to the nearby money transfer company. Meanwhile, the branch where Ayengg was picking up the money was threatening to close. I had to fill out a form to get an account before I could transfer money. While this was going on, a taxi was waiting for me, meter ticking away the time.

Yup! Here I was, a 5 minute delay causing everything to go to crap. I work well under this kind of pressure! How well? About half as well as usual! Money got transferred just in time, so Ayengg was going to make it home, thankfully. I got back to my taxi and went back to the airport. I went in at the wrong gate with no ticket since I had no confirmation email yet. Someone directed me to the correct gate. I walked out into the blazing sun, hot and sweaty, and still at a fast pace because I had no idea "What Next."

Fortunately, everything from this point on went well. Mostly.

I got my boarding pass, got to the gate, and waited for a while. I looked up and realized it was almost time for the flight to take off, so I sort of panicked a little bit. My fears were alleviated when they called on the speaker that the flight was delayed. If only Cebu Pacific had been delayed, just 5 minutes.

I arrived in Davao to this welcoming site! It sure calmed my artificially induced stress I was having earlier. I asked around and found out that I would be getting to T'boli a bit late. I would probably miss the Miss T'boli pageant. Bummer! After two different busses and a van ride, I made it to T'boli! The Ses'long festival was in full swing, and LOUD! I kept telling the driver to stop and let me out because I wanted to walk the last few blocks and soak up all the energy, but he wouldn't stop until he got to the hotel.


I got out, paid my portion of the ride, then went inside, where Ayengg was waiting for me. She had the kitchen cook me dinner before they closed! I hadn't eaten since breakfast 12 hours earlier, so I scarfed! It was this big piece of chicken, rice, vegetables, and a very tasty gravy. I realized I was not up to heading out, so I checked in to my room and stood on the 3rd floor balcony, just listening to the sounds! Listen to the video below. Loud music coming from the streets mingled in an unkind way with loud music coming from the bar, yet it was a happy sound that resulted. I could feel the energy coming from the people, and tears welled up as I exclaimed quietly to myself about 40 times, "I'm here!" The energy was wonderful!


Now, before I came all the way out here, I made contact through Facebook with someone through the Ses'long Facebook page. He gave me ideas on when to be here. I eventually made contact with several different people. One of these people saw me on the balcony, sent a photo of me up there, and said, "I see you!" I went down to meet her, but by the time we finisehd talking, I met about 6 or 8 other family members. While this was going on, a van stopped, and a team from the festival stepped out. I recognized the first person I contacted and talked to him for a few minutes.

In short, I was being bombarded by the friendliness of the people here! It was positively exhilarating!

As I am sitting here in a quaint hotel in Mabolo, Cebu, eating a chicken hot dog and scrambled egg breakfast, the calmness is interrupted by an angry American. I would guess he is around 70. He is complaining to another American.

"I told the taxi driver before I got in that I wanted to go to the airport. As soon as I got in, he asked, 'international airport?' How does he not know where he is going when I just told him? I got right back out of that taxi! I just told him, and he's asking me again!"

The other guy responds. "You have the domestic terminal and the international terminal. He just wanted to make sure he brought you to the right place."

Subdued grumbling followed.

It seems like some people are looking for reasons to be angry at others. I think they get irritated that many of these people do not speak as good English as he does, but he does not speak their language AT ALL! Every time I have asked a Filipino what languages he speaks, I get a list of at least three languages. Four is common, and I once had someone list 8 different languages. Have patience for people who know more than you, angry guy!

As I sit here on my flight to Cebu, contemplating the idea of having no expectations of anyone or any circumstance, I find the excitement for this trip has faded. For the next 23 hours, my entire experience will be sitting in these tiny seats, with a belief I will be unable to get comfortable enough to sleep well. I look forward to sleeping in Cebu, when I'm sure my excitement will grow back to normal again!

On my previous trip to Davao in April of 2018, I had been exposed to a little bit of the culture in that region, which seemed to pique my interest, though I had no idea in what. A couple months after my April adventure, I saw a video about the T'nalak Festival, which is an annual celebration of a traditional material made by the T'boli tribe from natural resources including plants, tree parts, and dyes derived from plants. The "wall hangings" are a sacred item made by these peoples, and has been for unknown years. I came across a video On Youtube regarding this craft and the people, and thought to myself, "interesting."

Some months later, I realized I was being called to meet them. Another video I watched touched a part of my soul that brought forth such beautiful emotion, there was no way I could not make this part of my life. I contacted people in the Philippines and began discussing the strength of the pulling with a few of the T'boli tribe. This is when I found out Melissa, from the Great Clarification, was one of them! I was elated. This was all falling together without any effort on my part, and I felt myself finally answering a calling for the first time in my life, as I will explain in a bit more detail in the following.



As time goes on, and the results of the Great Clarification continue to manifest, I have been opening up to possibilities. I have been paying more attention to my intuition, excessive coincidences, and anything else that might help me find that peace again.

In early December, I was at a remote job site in Valdez, Alaska. After work one night, in my hotel room, wandering around Facebook, I happened upon a video from the Philippines. I clicked on it, and was presented with the singing of Rosie Sula, whose video is linked below. The video was of Miss Philippines, Catriona Gray, sitting in a canoe on Lake Sebu. Before I even got to that part of the video, the sound of Rosie's singing struck me more deeply than I ever imagined someone singing could. Yes, I was crying. Why was I crying? 3 months later and I still don't know the answer to that! I asked myself in a mildly hysterical voice, while I was crying, "What is happening to me?" Of course, I answered myself! "I don't know!" Catriona says, in a loud voice, "Welcome to the land of the Dream Weavers!" That phrase struck me even harder than the beginning music! And, yes, I still don't know why. As Kyle Cease might appreciate, I am good with not knowing.



I found the video on Youtube, and looked at other videos of the T'boli tribe, and continued to cry off and on while I was learning about these people. They are known as the Dream Weavers because the patterns they weave into their T'nalak are inspired by their dreams. Now I understand the importance of the T'nalak Festival. This was a Calling! I had to meet these people!

I decided I would contact the only person I know who could help me figure this out. When Melissa finally answered my messages, I asked her about the T'boli tribe. "Would you believe I'm one of them?" Wow! I would have been a bit shocked if not for all the other things that seem to be connected in all this. My response was, "Well that makes a lot of sense!"

Our conversation was cut short, and I lost contact with her. My next step was to search on Facebook. I felt that I had to continue searching. I wasn't sure what for, just to continue. I found a page for another festival, the Ses'long Festival. This one was in March. I was not interested in the festival, though. I wanted to meet these people without being a tourist. I sent a message to the page with a short description of what I was experiencing and the person who answered suggested that I be there on March 15 to at least see the Miss T'boli pageant. The festival would end shortly afterward, and I could meet people without all the tourists. I was pretty darn excited when he responded! I think I ended up not getting to sleep that night until around 2 or 3 in the morning.

It amazes me how writing one email, contacting a complete stranger, can change so much in a persons life. This contact, through the Ses'Long festival page set me up to get tickets to the pageant! I was stoked! I might even get to be a photographer with VIP passes! I made a few more contacts in the T'boli tribe, and have been learning a lot about the culture as well as a little bit of the language. Everyone who I have contacted thus far has been very kind, open and willing to help. I am learning the language is quite different from Tagalog or Bisaya. Hearing the words spoken once again brought up a very strong emotional reaction from me. I had a strange thought pop into my head that seemed to come from someone else, but it was mine. "These are my People." Yeah, I don't understand that, either. Somebody told me that these feelings are the feelings you get when you want to go home. I responded that I had never actually been there. "It doesn't matter. Home."

I have connected with Rosie Sula, who was the singer in the video with Miss Philippines, and will be meeting her when I am there. This is going to be wonderful! This is what happens when I follow my heart instead of my head!

So, there you have it, a quick synopsis of why I absolutely must go meet the T'boli people. I'll be there soon!

One evening in late April, I was relaxing on the steps at Ayala Terraces, in Cebu City, Philippines, drinking my mocha frap as I watched people go by. I realized I was feeling awkward and all alone as people, locals and tourists, wandered by, in their own world. But that is normal for me. I have always felt awkward around people, and this day I saw that I was hoping somebody would stop and talk to me, believing it would abate my awkwardness. I looked at this feeling calling out from my heart and realized I was looking outside myself for somebody to fill an empty spot in me. This was the first moment that I saw what was going on within my heart and mind. This was when I first began to realize the results of what I now call the Great Clarification.

About a month or so earlier, I was planning my trip to the Philippines. I had planned to take time in Cebu to visit my then wife’s family. A trip to Malapascua Island, a long walk along the path of the Bataan Death March, a visit to Baler in Aurora, and Lake Taal were going to be the plan.

I found myself seeking guidance online from Filipinos, some who offered to guide me on a few of my journeys. There was one girl, in particular, that was more than helpful. We seemed to “click”, so I called on her to see if she was able and willing to show me around. She was in Davao, which was not one of my planned stops. When I was contemplating going to Davao, I had several different people randomly suggest I go to Davao. I decided I would listen to those coincidences. She let me know she was only available one day as her work schedule was tight, during the time I would be available. I was not satisfied with that; just didn’t feel right in my gut, so we talked more. She was able to take 3 days off at an earlier time, so I cancelled my trip to Malapascua Island and decided to go to Samal Island so we could spend time together, and she could show me around.

While planning out time with Melissa, I was asked a question. “What are your expectations?” I realized, as the answer came without hesitation, “None”, that previous trips had included many expectations regarding women, relationships and what I would experience in my travels. Hindsight showed me the freedom and peace in this.

When I arrived in Davao, Melissa was to meet me at the airport and we were to begin our journeying from there. She didn’t show up. I found myself at peace. I wasn’t upset, angry, lost or feeling rejected. A moment of, “She changed her mind and is ignoring me” came in, yet I was unsure about this thought as I continued to wait, in case she was running late.

More than an hour passed and I headed to the mall that was a short taxi ride from the airport. A childish, free feeling of, “I am unsupervised!” came up and I realized my possibilities were endless! The whole journey opened up to me and I could do whatever I chose to do! I was still going to Samal Island, but first, the mall!

About am hour into the mall experience, I found a place, Jollibee’s, and sat down to eat. What was interesting is that someone came to me in line before I got to the cashier and took my order on a piece of paper. A side note for people who like American burgers--you might want to order something else off the menu when you're here. As I was masticating an adequate bite of my burger, my phone dinged; a new message. It was Melissa. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you wait. But I did it.” I was taken aback at how she laid it on the line. No excuses, no over apologizing. A thought so strong it literally escaped my lips “I like this girl.” In that moment, another world opened up to me. She had character and was honest. I knew if we continued and she did come to meet me, I was in good hands. She then thanked me for not being angry at which I answered, “We are on vacation! No time for that!”

So here I was, basically alone in a mall full of people, none that I knew. I was uncomfortable, finding myself withdrawing some, when she came walking up to me outside the restaurant. Awkward doesn’t quite complete how I felt. We were in a hallway full of others and were meeting for the first time. I barreled through the awkward, allowing it to exist and be what it was. We ordered her some food, and headed to Starbuck’s for our choice of coffee product to go with her food.

Here we were, in this moment, two people having just met, her eating her food, and I sucking on my mocha frap. Awkwardness, I now realize as I write this, was with me the whole time, as a best friend would be. Not stopping me from anything, showing me how beautiful life can be in a place that is so comfortable, even awkward is appreciated.

Sitting across from Melissa, our eyes locked for a moment longer than either of us are used to, in her discomfort, or perhaps awkwardness, she looked away, smiling and giggling softly. In that instant, I realized that being awkward with this woman was safe. I was instantly comfortable with my awkwardness for the first time I can remember. Something inside me popped and deflated in that moment. Any pressure I felt from my awkwardness dissipated and was gone. I was free of feeling I shouldn’t be awkward; I was comfortable in my awkwardness now, and perfectly okay with it!

After our enjoyment of the coffee, Melissa and I wandered around looking for a particular coffee table I was interested in purchasing. Not finding one, we decided to head to Samal Island and enjoy the beaches. We found a spot a few miles from port that offered rooms at a decent rate, so we took advantage of it. The sight in the middle of this resort was beautiful. A low wall with an opening in the middle had steps in a crescent shape leading into the ocean water. Melissa and I were intrigued by the beauty of it and partook of swimming shortly before sunset. In my mind, any person who has ever swam knows how to float on their back, so when Melissa showed her inability to do so, I took a moment and helped her learn how. There she was, beautifully as awkward as much as I was, listening to my instruction as I gently held her up. In a moment of knowing, I slowly let go of her, and she was floating on her own. Her reaction to this was one of happiness, and at that moment, our connection continued to grow, and the visiting was wonderful. I felt so free in talking about what seemed to be troubles, with her. Had I been discussing these stressful situations with anyone else, it would have seemed like I was complaining or seeking attention. This felt nothing like that. Each thing faded as I discussed it with her, and she seemed to have relief from discussing her troubles with me. This was so foreign to me, and refreshing. Looking back on it, gratefulness fills my being.

The next day, we moved to another resort that had a salt water pool. We did a lot of the same stuff, which was a lot of nothing. During our “doing nothing” (since that is what this trip was about) we checked out some small sideways walking crabs that were doing what sideways walking crabs do best.

Seeing a shell among the rocks in the water, I picked it up and chucked it out into the ocean, attempting to skip it, lodging a piece of it in my finger. As I gently worked to pull it out, blood oozed out, but it didn't bother me much.

Later, in the salt water pool, Melissa said, "Let's float together." I was not expecting her to reach out and hold my hand as I readied myself to float on my back beside her. There I was, all awkward still, holding hands and okay with being awkward. The entire universe stopped existing for a short while in this floating, holding hands space, and I was at peace. I am not sure if I have ever experienced that level of peace. I know if I had, it would have been memorable. This was beyond words, beyond life and beyond all else that was not peace itself. This was the moment that the Great Clarification was complete.

This “Great Clarification” was a beginning point for me. I didn’t realize what had happened until a few weeks had passed and I began noticing how I was seeing things, thinking and reacting differently than I had before at any point in my life. I had opened myself up to guidance, followed it and I now continue experiencing new things with a new perspective that continues to surprise me.

I never made it to Malapascua Island. I got sick from something I ate in Cebu, so I was too sick to see Baler or the Taal volcano. I missed the Bataan Death March, although I did visit a museum and the shrine at the end. But I got exactly what I needed by following guidance.