Uphill Process

One evening in late April, I was relaxing on the steps at Ayala Terraces, in Cebu City, Philippines, drinking my mocha frap as I watched people go by. I realized I was feeling awkward and all alone as people, locals and tourists, wandered by, in their own world. But that is normal for me. I have always felt awkward around people, and this day I saw that I was hoping somebody would stop and talk to me, believing it would abate my awkwardness. I looked at this feeling calling out from my heart and realized I was looking outside myself for somebody to fill an empty spot in me. This was the first moment that I saw what was going on within my heart and mind. This was when I first began to realize the results of what I now call the Great Clarification.

About a month or so earlier, I was planning my trip to the Philippines. I had planned to take time in Cebu to visit my then wife’s family. A trip to Malapascua Island, a long walk along the path of the Bataan Death March, a visit to Baler in Aurora, and Lake Taal were going to be the plan.

I found myself seeking guidance online from Filipinos, some who offered to guide me on a few of my journeys. There was one girl, in particular, that was more than helpful. We seemed to “click”, so I called on her to see if she was able and willing to show me around. She was in Davao, which was not one of my planned stops. When I was contemplating going to Davao, I had several different people randomly suggest I go to Davao. I decided I would listen to those coincidences. She let me know she was only available one day as her work schedule was tight, during the time I would be available. I was not satisfied with that; just didn’t feel right in my gut, so we talked more. She was able to take 3 days off at an earlier time, so I cancelled my trip to Malapascua Island and decided to go to Samal Island so we could spend time together, and she could show me around.

While planning out time with Melissa, I was asked a question. “What are your expectations?” I realized, as the answer came without hesitation, “None”, that previous trips had included many expectations regarding women, relationships and what I would experience in my travels. Hindsight showed me the freedom and peace in this.

When I arrived in Davao, Melissa was to meet me at the airport and we were to begin our journeying from there. She didn’t show up. I found myself at peace. I wasn’t upset, angry, lost or feeling rejected. A moment of, “She changed her mind and is ignoring me” came in, yet I was unsure about this thought as I continued to wait, in case she was running late.

More than an hour passed and I headed to the mall that was a short taxi ride from the airport. A childish, free feeling of, “I am unsupervised!” came up and I realized my possibilities were endless! The whole journey opened up to me and I could do whatever I chose to do! I was still going to Samal Island, but first, the mall!

About am hour into the mall experience, I found a place, Jollibee’s, and sat down to eat. What was interesting is that someone came to me in line before I got to the cashier and took my order on a piece of paper. A side note for people who like American burgers--you might want to order something else off the menu when you're here. As I was masticating an adequate bite of my burger, my phone dinged; a new message. It was Melissa. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you wait. But I did it.” I was taken aback at how she laid it on the line. No excuses, no over apologizing. A thought so strong it literally escaped my lips “I like this girl.” In that moment, another world opened up to me. She had character and was honest. I knew if we continued and she did come to meet me, I was in good hands. She then thanked me for not being angry at which I answered, “We are on vacation! No time for that!”

So here I was, basically alone in a mall full of people, none that I knew. I was uncomfortable, finding myself withdrawing some, when she came walking up to me outside the restaurant. Awkward doesn’t quite complete how I felt. We were in a hallway full of others and were meeting for the first time. I barreled through the awkward, allowing it to exist and be what it was. We ordered her some food, and headed to Starbuck’s for our choice of coffee product to go with her food.

Here we were, in this moment, two people having just met, her eating her food, and I sucking on my mocha frap. Awkwardness, I now realize as I write this, was with me the whole time, as a best friend would be. Not stopping me from anything, showing me how beautiful life can be in a place that is so comfortable, even awkward is appreciated.

Sitting across from Melissa, our eyes locked for a moment longer than either of us are used to, in her discomfort, or perhaps awkwardness, she looked away, smiling and giggling softly. In that instant, I realized that being awkward with this woman was safe. I was instantly comfortable with my awkwardness for the first time I can remember. Something inside me popped and deflated in that moment. Any pressure I felt from my awkwardness dissipated and was gone. I was free of feeling I shouldn’t be awkward; I was comfortable in my awkwardness now, and perfectly okay with it!

After our enjoyment of the coffee, Melissa and I wandered around looking for a particular coffee table I was interested in purchasing. Not finding one, we decided to head to Samal Island and enjoy the beaches. We found a spot a few miles from port that offered rooms at a decent rate, so we took advantage of it. The sight in the middle of this resort was beautiful. A low wall with an opening in the middle had steps in a crescent shape leading into the ocean water. Melissa and I were intrigued by the beauty of it and partook of swimming shortly before sunset. In my mind, any person who has ever swam knows how to float on their back, so when Melissa showed her inability to do so, I took a moment and helped her learn how. There she was, beautifully as awkward as much as I was, listening to my instruction as I gently held her up. In a moment of knowing, I slowly let go of her, and she was floating on her own. Her reaction to this was one of happiness, and at that moment, our connection continued to grow, and the visiting was wonderful. I felt so free in talking about what seemed to be troubles, with her. Had I been discussing these stressful situations with anyone else, it would have seemed like I was complaining or seeking attention. This felt nothing like that. Each thing faded as I discussed it with her, and she seemed to have relief from discussing her troubles with me. This was so foreign to me, and refreshing. Looking back on it, gratefulness fills my being.

The next day, we moved to another resort that had a salt water pool. We did a lot of the same stuff, which was a lot of nothing. During our “doing nothing” (since that is what this trip was about) we checked out some small sideways walking crabs that were doing what sideways walking crabs do best.

Seeing a shell among the rocks in the water, I picked it up and chucked it out into the ocean, attempting to skip it, lodging a piece of it in my finger. As I gently worked to pull it out, blood oozed out, but it didn't bother me much.

Later, in the salt water pool, Melissa said, "Let's float together." I was not expecting her to reach out and hold my hand as I readied myself to float on my back beside her. There I was, all awkward still, holding hands and okay with being awkward. The entire universe stopped existing for a short while in this floating, holding hands space, and I was at peace. I am not sure if I have ever experienced that level of peace. I know if I had, it would have been memorable. This was beyond words, beyond life and beyond all else that was not peace itself. This was the moment that the Great Clarification was complete.

This “Great Clarification” was a beginning point for me. I didn’t realize what had happened until a few weeks had passed and I began noticing how I was seeing things, thinking and reacting differently than I had before at any point in my life. I had opened myself up to guidance, followed it and I now continue experiencing new things with a new perspective that continues to surprise me.

I never made it to Malapascua Island. I got sick from something I ate in Cebu, so I was too sick to see Baler or the Taal volcano. I missed the Bataan Death March, although I did visit a museum and the shrine at the end. But I got exactly what I needed by following guidance.